Apparently, I’m getting old. Kevin and I spent so much time at dinner the other night, that we missed the movie we were planning to see. We had a babysitter until 10:30pm, so we were not about to go home…but what on earth were we going to do?! Go have a drink? No, thank you, had one for dinner. Go dancing? Uh, no, too exhausted to muster up dancing energy (and only had one drink at dinner).So, we took our “old” selves to Old Sacramento and walked around a bit. We found ourselves in that wacky little claustrophobic incense store where you can spend days and days looking at all of the new age trinkets and wind chimes and books. And, of course, I stumbled upon a book called Live Boldly, and, well, had to buy it.

I’m so glad I’m OLD!

I haven’t quite finished reading it, but it is full of little nuggets of wisdom. I’m certain my Facebook friends are going to get tired of me posting them all!

It’s not particularly mind-blowing, but I love it. This may come to a surprise to many of you reading this, but I’ve been, once again, wondering what exactly is my place in the world? What is it, really, that I’m suppose to be doing with my life? And what this book encourages you to do is to come up with a “mission” for your life. Much like corporations do.

But how do you decide what your mission is? WELL…here is an excerpt from that chapter: “‘What is the single illuminating thing which shines its light on all the elements of the best parts of your life (the sounds of which makes your heart sing and your feet dance)?’ Answer that and then know: this is the thing you must do.”

Wow.

The second I read that, I knew that my personal “mission” is to LIVE and BREATHE Son-Rise with Ross. It’s the only thing in my life that comes even remotely close to the above statement. Playing with Ross the way that I play with him (and trust me, it’s not the way parents typically play with their children) definitely makes my heart SING and my feet DANCE. So I know it is the thing I MUST do.

Knowing this, now, somehow is giving me great comfort. When we found the Son-Rise Program, I KNEW that everything I had ever done had led me to it. A year and a half later, when it feels so second nature to me now, I’m incredibly grateful to have found it for so many reasons. Not just because I see sooo much progress in Ross’s development and growth, but mostly because I have seen so much in my own.

Live BOLDLY. I’m positive it’s the path to happiness. Being “old” never felt so good!

Here we are at The Autism Treatment Center of America for our Intensive!

That’s what I thought when it was official that we would be attending a Son-Rise Intensive Program with Ross. “The beginning of the end.” What I mean by that, in case you’re wondering, is the beginning of the end of our Son-Rise Program. The beginning of the end of our journey with Autism.

The Intensive program is, just that, INTENSE. It’s a week long program (although you can come multiple weeks if you choose) where you bring your child to The Autism Treatment Center of America. They put you up in an apartment that has everything you need, including a playroom. Not unlike ours at home, the playroom is magical.

On the very first day, after a brief orientation with the beautiful Amanda, one of their incredible facilitators came to kick-off 44 hours of playtime with Ross. He loved it from the get-go! He had a few new boundaries he had to deal with, plus he had to acclimate himself to nine hours a day, STRAIGHT, in the playroom, but he loved it. The second morning after he got dressed he announced, “I’m dressed now, I’m ready to play!” His desire to go into the playroom never wavered once while we were there. And all the while, Kevin and I were deep into our own intense learning’s. Son-Rise has such a holistic approach when it comes to the family. It is their philosophy that when the parents (and family) are in a really good place, then the program will function that much more smoothly. Growth will happen that much more quickly. So we set out to learn as much as we could with Son-Rise’s senior teachers and amazing facilitators for our own eight hours a day.

We discovered many, MANY things while we were there. We saw firsthand how beneficial a full-time, eight hour-a-day program was for Ross. We were able to see how, logistically, we could make that happen for ourselves. We were able to delve into how to train our volunteers more effectively and how we could start bringing games into the playroom that will accelerate Ross’s growth exponentially. It was intense, for sure, but it was exhilarating at the same time. It renewed my focus and clarity AND it inspired me to do even more when I returned home. It was glorious.

And to see the facilitators with Ross. I sigh a big luscious sigh just thinking about it. The love they had for him (and for us) was so incredible to watch. This child that seems so odd to most people, was their best friend! They understood him, played with him, challenged him, helped him. All the while, deeply loving him, as much or more, if you can believe it, as I could ever love him. And they were genuinely having tons of FUN! Ross was, too! Who knew therapy could be such a blast!?!?!

And that really was what what going on there. Therapy. You could see it when you watched through the huge observation window they built into the playroom. It was not obvious to Ross, but it was obvious. They were using Ross’s motivations to challenge him to interact, to have more eye contact, to communicate more clearly, to have relationships, and doing it so playfully. An untrained eye might miss it. But we didn’t. We saw growth in just the week were there. It was inspiring.

So, after coming back, sharing changes with our team, renewing our goals and focus, it really is the “beginning of the end.” I absolutely believe that by shifting ourselves a bit and incorporating all that we learned, Ross is going to recover…and soon. Within the next year, for sure. We want it, and Ross is showing signs that he wants it, too.

So, I’d like to thank everyone, once again for your support. Whether you have been able to help us financially with our program, or praying for us, or thinking positive thoughts, or volunteering, or working with Ross, THANK YOU. We will still be doing some fundraising as now we have to pay all of this off, but the journey has been beautiful for us and we are incredibly grateful. We are so hopeful and enjoying every minute of it. There is a teeny tiny part of me that will be sad when it is the end. But here’s to a new beginning. Thank you, Son-Rise!!!

Those of you who know me well, know that Working Girl is my all time, favorite movie. It hit theaters in 1988 and stars Melanie Griffith, Harrison Ford, and Sigourney Weaver.  And one my favorite comedic actresses, Joan Cusak, plays the “best friend.” I have watched this movie countless times and although it definitely shows its age (oh my, the 80’s hair!), there are themes in the movie that are timeless.

“I make it happen.”

It’s a love story, probably, at its core, but it’s also a story about determination. About making things happen for yourself as opposed to letting things happen to you. The main character, Tess (Griffith—well before plastic surgery), has aspirations of being a corporate executive in Manhattan. She doesn’t have the typical background of one, however, being from Staten Island and going to night school to earn her college degree, but she is doing everything she can to climb up the corporate ladder. She’s following all of the “rules” and asking anyone and everyone to help her achieve her goals.

Through a variety of mishaps, she ends up being the executive assistant to the insincere Sigourney Weaver. At first site, this is the woman she wants to be: high-powered executive with an Ivy League degree and plenty of clout. Thinking she is her mentor, she turns to her to help make an idea about a high-profile merger happen.

Of course this is where she discovers that she truly does have “to make it happen” for herself. No one else it going to do it for her. So she presents herself (while ol’ Sigourney is away for a while) as an executive to make the deal. And the rest is history—and really funny, too. And I’m not just talking about the shoulder pads!

Of course, she does make it happen. And by making it happen, she makes everything she wants in life happen. I know it is a movie, and that’s how movies are suppose to be, I guess…but I think, quite frankly, that with persistence and determination, YOU WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. As I’m writing this, I realize this movie made a HUGE impression on me in my early adulthood. (Maybe that’s why I like watching it again and again!) I have always believed that whatever I want, I have to make it happen.

But what I’ve learned recently is that it doesn’t have to be hard to make it happen. It might take time. It might take effort on my part. It very well may mean I need to ask for help. But it doesn’t have to be “hard.” Thinking that in order to “make it happen” it has to be “hard” is a belief I’m letting go of. Because I KNOW that if I believe that, then I will find every way imaginable to make it hard. If I believe that “making it happen” is easy and even fun, then IT WILL BE EASY AND FUN.

And, if I’m constantly concentrating on how hard something is…I’m starting to KNOW that THAT ALONE will prevent me from making it happen. From receiving all that I want in this life.

Man, I love that movie. I love seeing Tess in her new office at the end and imagining her doing all the things she, just before, only dreamt about doing.

“I make it happen.”

Ross & Grammy Sonja

I happened to catch a portion of the Today Show the other day and the expert they were interviewing said the darndest thing! She said, “Love is a behavior, not a feeling.”

This is what I’d like to blog about today. Loving. I think that Ross came into my life to teach me exactly what that is supposed to be. Now, it is not at all surprising that I LOVE Ross more than anything in this world. But I didn’t really KNOW what loving was.  I’m learning it really is a verb. It really is a behavior.

So what does that mean, you ask? Well, here is what I am learning: first and foremost, loving someone is actually being completely, 100% accepting of that person. I mean COMPLETELY. Being nonjudgmental of what they do and what they believe and who they are.

I’m also learning that this “behavior” is quite possibly — and I’m totally serious about this — the key to lifelong happiness.

And the more people you choose to love, the happier you’ll be. There, I said it!

Now you’re probably thinking I’m here at my home each night singing Kum Bay Yah, but I’m not, I swear! I’m just starting to notice that the less judgmental I am of EVERYONE in this world, the happier I’m becoming. The more I fill myself up with love for you and everyone else, the less I need it from the world around me. So, in actuality, by loving the rest of the world, I’m loving myself.

Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand what I mean by “non-judgment.” I don’t mean that criminals should not suffer the consequences of their crimes, for instance. But I can certainly not participate in judging the person. I can’t possibly know what brought them to that crime. No matter what a person’s behavior is, I can’t possibly be in their heart to know how that behavior came to be.  

This also doesn’t mean I have to keep people in my life that I feel are choosing negativity. I prefer, especially now with Ross in my life, to surround myself with SUPPORT and POSITIVITY. But, I really, REALLY don’t judge these people. I love them, too. They are all doing the best they can to take care of themselves. They are choosing unhappiness and uncomfortableness for whatever reason. And that’s perfectly okay. But, I will lovingly ask that they take their negativity elsewhere as it is not serving me and certainly not serving Ross.

So, I guess I really just want to tell you how I’m learning to be happier. I’m a work-in-progress with judging people and situations, but my journey in this “more loving life” began with Ross. I will fully own the fact that before his diagnosis, I wasn’t loving him. I kept judging everything he did, like it was a personal affront to me as a mom. Learning about autism and loving it COMPLETELY was a good first step for me, for sure. I know he is definitely doing the best he can in his life, like we ALL are.

So, if you are reading this, know that I love you, no matter what. I really do. Even if I don’t know you. Even if you don’t agree with my message from my little corner of the world.

I’m happy and I’d love for you to be happier, too, so maybe something about this blog resonates with you today. I know now that I don’t need to choose unhappiness to take care of myself anymore. (Although, I’m sure I still will from time to time.) So I’m going to practice being LOVING from here on out. Thank you, Ross. You are here to teach me that love really is a behavior, not a feeling.

Now go love somebody today!!! Heck…go see how it feels to love EVERYONE today!

I wrote this in my Facebook Notes, but I thought I would include it in my blog as well…

Bears and I doing the BIG LOVE!

We can always predict Ross will like frozen yogurt!

When the young, handsome man walked out of the gas station — yelling at me — my heart started beating so fast that I swore it would explode. My blood pressure instantly went through the roof. “You crazy stupid b#!%$tch! You have plenty of room! Your car can fit, you crazy stupid b#!%$tch!” This is what he was saying — no, yelling. I thought, for a moment, that maybe I should roll my window down and tell the fellow that I was in no hurry and could certainly wait the five minutes it would take for him to pump his gas. After all, I was trapped between his car and the landscaping truck behind me. But he was SO UNPREDICTABLE. I had Ross in the backseat, and I really didn’t want to die at the gas station.

The truck behind me finally backed up and I got the heck out of there…the guy was screaming at me the entire time. It took me quite a while to calm down. It took me a few hours as a matter of fact.

I was telling this story to one of my volunteers when we got on the subject of being “predictable” in the playroom. I meant it as a sidenote to our discussion, but it HIT me right then — this is what Ross feels like when people are unpredictable. It is AN ASSAULT ON HIS SENSES. I now realize that his little heart must start beating fast and his blood pressure probably rises from the stress of not knowing what a person is going to do and what a person is going to say. Or whether he’ll be accepted and loved for who he is. Or probably worse, are they going to expect him to respond? He already takes in so much sensory information without the luxury of filtering it, so, that, all by itself, is an every day challenge…but to add the unpredictability of PEOPLE…wow.

I think I can understand (in a tiny way) how this feels for him so I strive to be as predictable as I can. He knows I’ll “join” him when he’s “isming.” He trusts that if he needs to be exclusive, I’ll let him. We always warn him first if we have to manipulate his body in any way (to pick him up or get him dressed). All of this builds trust in knowing we’ll be PREDICTABLE.

And, of course, I will never use that gas station again. But I so want Ross to keep coming back to me…

The girls...

As many of you know, I have recently taken up running. Accomplishing this has been the hardest thing, physically, I’ve ever done. The other day I was on the treadmill and I needed to run to one more song to make the 30 minute mark. I remember thinking, “This better be a great song so that I can make it this last few minutes.” And OH, IT WAS! It was that addictive tune by the group, Train — Hey, Soul Sister.

I couldn’t help but smile. Of course my girlfriends would push me through the last few minutes! I don’t have actual sisters, so I have soul sisters. MY GIRLFRIENDS. MY GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY WAY GIRLFRIENDS!

One of my girlfriends has been in my life since 7TH Grade. My best friend has been my friend since high school. Some for over 10-15 years.

Oh...Oh Sheila!

We’ve all seen each other through deaths, divorces, marriages, births, jobs, unemployment, accidents, moves — just about everything. I have recently met some new girlfriends that I LOVE. I just really wouldn’t want to live without any of them at this point.

“Hey, Soul Sister, ain’t that Mister Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain’t fair, ya know! Hey Soul Sister, I don’t wanna miss a single thing you dooo-ooo…..tonight.”

And I don’t want to miss a single thing they do….EVER. So this blog post is dedicated to all of my SOUL SISTERS! You know who you are…

Kevin and I recently returned from our advanced training at The Autism Treatment Center of America back in Massachusetts. Due to our tireless fundraising we were able to GO TOGETHER which was AWESOME! Thank you again to all of you who contributed to our cause.

We learned SOOOOO much. Or maybe I should say “re-learned.” Much of it was going deeper into what we already knew. We just took it to a different level. We talked a great deal about “technique” in the playroom with Ross, but we also spent a lot of time exploring our attitudes.

So this brings me to today’s blog. Barry Neil “Bears” Kaufman taught two classes while we were there. His sessions are fairly unusual and quite interesting. You may remember that he’s the man that, along with his incredible wife, Samahria, recovered their son from severe autism over 30 years ago. Since then they’ve been teaching all sorts of classes about autism and discovering your path to happiness. These are the cornerstones to the Son-Rise Program and being in the playroom.

Many of you have probably been wondering, “What the heck are you doing in that playroom, anyway?” I’ve been wanting to write about it for months, but just couldn’t find the words. But Bears said something that struck a chord with me. At the end of one of his sessions he said, “being in the playroom is like walking with God.” And certainly, to me, IT IS.

I’ve written before about joining your child’s exclusive and/or repetitive behaviors and that is the first thing we learned to do in this thing called the Son-Rise Program. It’s amazing that after you do that, your child suddenly will give you what we call “green lights” and this means you have the go-ahead to invite them to interact with you. So you “build” on whatever it is that they’re doing. If they’re pushing a car back and forth — maybe you make some noise. If they’re singing Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, maybe you become the coconut tree. It’s simple, it’s pure, it’s, most of all, FUN, and it really is like walking with God.

And while there are techniques to live by in the playroom, the most important aspect of the program is our ATTITUDE while we’re in there. It is important to be JOYOUS and excited that you are there. It is crucial to be PRESENT throughout the hour or two that you are playing. But, most of all (and I learned this last month), it’s critical that you completely and utterly LOVE Ross — with every fiber of your being.  I love that.

The biggest thing I have learned through all of this, is that “what happens in the playroom, doesn’t stay in the playroom.” This attitude stays with me throughout my day and my life. It seeps into all of my relationships. It has brought me to this very peaceful, happy place and I will genuinely always be grateful for having experienced it. I will always be a work-in-progress, but I’m closer to complete contentment than I’ve ever been. It makes sense to me that, if you have this with whatever it is that you do with your life…you’ll always be walking with God.

And who doesn’t want that?

Barry Neil Kaufman wrote this little book called Happiness is a Choice. It’s little in size, but what is written inside is HUGE. I mean HUGE. He writes about six shortcuts to happiness. The one I want to write about today is “being grateful.”

Back in June, I went to a wonderful fund raiser at the McConnell Estates Winery in Elk Grove, CA for a little boy named Hank. It was serendipity, of course, as to how I ended up there, but I instantly thought, “Well, I can do this!” Hank has a condition known as Parry Romberg Syndrome. I could write a whole blog about it, but simply put, his face will cave in if he doesn’t have several necessary surgeries. So Hank’s challenge is on the outside and Ross’s is on the inside. I feel bonded to Hank’s mother, nonetheless, because she and I are both going to the ends of the earth for our children.

We had a lifesize cutout of Ross at the entrance. FREAKY!

So, back to being grateful. I decided right then that I would do a “wine tasting” event too! It would have a raffle and a silent auction. And I set out to do it. I, quite naively, set the date for only two months away…September 12th. I put an all points bulletin out for committee members to help me, and I was ON MY WAY!

Well, after weeks and weeks of planning, scheming, and Facebooking, September 12th finally came. A few weeks prior I had this nightmare that no one showed up and then it rained on my raffle prizes. So when I woke up that Sept. 12th morning and Kevin said, “It’s been raining this morning,” I told him he’d better not tease me like that. But sure enough it WAS raining. In fact, although the day before it was 100 degrees, this particular day was wet, cold and windy! Not ideal for an outdoor event, for sure.

Again, back to being grateful…the event started at 6pm and, sure enough, the wind stopped, the jazz band started playing and the clouds cleared. It was this spectacular evening under the stars! Just as I envisioned it would be. And people SHOWED UP! My dream was just that, a stress-induced dream. The reality was far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

I am so grateful for everything. I am grateful for the weather cooperating. Thanks Momma Nature! I’m so grateful for my committee. Ann Marie, Sheila, Maureen, Dawn, Michael, Caroline, Valerie, Dianna, Jeff, and Ramie. (I hope I didn’t leave anyone out!) I’m grateful for the wonderful Sacramento Youth Jazz Band! I can’t say enough about them! It set the whole tone. I’m grateful for the Elk Grove Grocery Outlet for bringing the bomb of appetizers. I’m grateful for The Magic Forrest for going around and doing magic for everyone…so much fun. I’m especially grateful for everyone showing up!! It meant so much to me. I’m also grateful for Mike for being one helluva’n emcee. He was so, SO funny. And Jeff Mayo Photography….incredibly cool to have him there taking portraits.

Tricia, me, and Ramie! FUN!

There’s so many more people I can thank: the high school volunteers, the winery employees, the other restaurants, THE SPONSORS! Oh yeah…and the prize donors. Too many to thank here! So cool.

Our Son-Rise Volunteer Table

So I’m left with being incredibly grateful. I’ve said it a hundred times already, but Ross’s Autism has been a special gift to me. It has brought connection into my life like I have never felt it before. Connection with Ross. Old connections. New connections. Re-connections.

So THANK YOU! A special thank you to everyone who either came, donated, or just put out positive thoughts of success. I am truly, TRULY GRATEFUL.

Not the best Photoshop job...but hey I'm with Eric!

IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE KNOWN SOONER. This is the new autism parent’s mantra. And I’m here to say, it’s a huge waste of time. Even if I were the Time Traveler’s wife (which is unfortunate, ‘cuz that Eric Bana is HOT!) there is no guarantee that knowing earlier would have made any difference. I mean, think about it. If we had started kindergarten a year earlier, we would have a completely different set of friends. If we had met our current spouse in college instead of later in life, well…he would have been the first husband instead of the actual first husband…

I don’t know what else to really say about this subject, except that I really wanted to Photoshop myself into The Time Traveler’s Wife poster instead of that silly Rachel McAdams and so there ya go! Next time you feel yourself thinking, “I wish I would have known sooner,” forget it! There is just no way you would have known sooner…you KNOW NOW. That’s all that matters. That’s all that ever really matters.